It all started exactly 14 years ago. Living the bachelor life, I was a pretty immature 29 year old living in a house with a few friends, hardly a care in the world. One room mate mentioned that a coworker was bringing over a young girl who had just moved here from Idaho. Apparently, she was known there as a bit of a party girl and he was told she should be a "sure thing", and he was after all, quite the ladies man. That evening she arrived with the coworker, and showed not the least bit of interest in my overconfident room mate as she came in. She was however, exactly what I liked. Long jet black hair, pretty, in great shape, and she came with a bit of an "off-beat" attitude. We talked a bit and I found she was nothing like most of the stuck-up superficial girls I had known in Phoenix over the years. This was a truly unique person, and I found her attractive. She saw my motorcycle and asked me for a ride, and I obliged. As she put her arms around me, it felt great, and I was pretty much hooked.
Over the following few weeks I started work at the office she worked at, we went out a lot, and I worked hard to impress and win her affection, while others tried as well. After about a month, she needed out of her room mate situation with her cousin who was getting into drugs, and I let her move in with me and share my room. We waited almost two months to consummate our relationship, and the first time was great. We became inseparable, and after about three months of dating, we married and spent a beautiful honeymoon in a remote forest in Northern Arizona.
The first few months back in reality were also pretty nice and then we realized she was pregnant. We had wanted to start a family, but were both a bit scared. Her hormonal balance really changed and she got very emotional, and clingy, and easily upset over everything. I struggled with all of this, and the fact that we had little money. I had just started my new job in the HVAC construction trade, and was making $6 per hour. We barely made enough to survive and had only a motorcycle, and were living with room mates.
She was way too young for all of this, and I was still too immature, even at my age. And here we were with a baby on the way.
When my son was born, I spent about an hour there with her after the birth, took in the moment, then truly enjoyed the first peaceful evening to myself in over a year as they rested in the hospital. She felt alone, and hurt that I wasn't there the whole night, but I needed that time alone to keep my sanity. My leaving so soon hurt her so bad, she still mentions it to this day as the worst thing I did in our marriage.
As the months rolled by she had a very hard time getting up and dealing with the baby, and often I had to stay up late comforting her, then get up throughout the night taking care of my son, while she refused to do anything, then get up at 4 to ride to work doing construction and come home exhausted. I really lived my life entirely for her and my son, but I don't think she saw that at the time.
As time passed, with all of these stresses, lack of sleep, lack of money, and her clingy nature, we fought a lot as I tried to find time to escape with friends here and there (with a beer - in the living room for an hour or two). It sent her off the deep end, as she wanted to have an arm around me at every moment, and expected so much of me otherwise too. She eventually attacked me, and the cops came one evening, and she had her first DV arrest, though they dropped the charges. And so it began, the stormy, often violent marriage, full of hurt and insecurity, along with all the other marital stresses. I found my escapes, like computers, and found ways to try to get a few moments alone here and there, though it made her very angry.
Over the years we fought often over her extreme possessiveness (didn't want me to have friendships - or have them over at all) and her saying she would work but rarely holding any job (always found conflicts at work, found reasons to quit). Finally in 2002 she went out to a bar with a friend and cheated, after which she threatened to go back to California with the guy, and leave me and my son. We did a bit of counseling with a pastor, but not nearly enough, and managed to hold things together. During these years we actually started to do a bit better, but partly because I just gave in to all of her wishes more than ever. She said she had always been hurt that we didn't keep having kids, so we had a daughter in late 2003, and then a son in spring of 2005.
It was complete right? Now we had three great kids, we just bought our first home, I was making good money, and we could settle down in happiness right?
Not quite. The same problems that never really got addressed continued to come up, and I continued to look for my escapes, though now they were legitimate reasons to keep busy, as I painted the home by hand, re-did the HVAC system, the windows, the appliances, the insulation, roofing, on and on. It was a "fixer upper". She knew these things had to be done and wanted them done, but nagged the whole time that I was "ignoring her", though outside of the necessary home repairs I had zero social life and didn't hardly even talk to friends anymore to keep her from blowing her top.
As the years went on she actually held a decent job for a bit, and talked me into us buying a nice car, which we did (this after her totaling a few previous cars too!). She SWORE she would hold her job and help pay for it and our mounting bills in a lifestyle growing beyond our means fueled by the housing boom. Then she ended up flirting with the boss, teasing him, and then shooting him down (all by her own admission), and lost the job when he grew to hate her for it. Then she found another decent job and lost it over a stupid personality conflict that she cooked up with a mere coworker. She had alienated her employers, her parents and sisters, and had no real friends at this point. It was all about her, I, and the three kids, and our mounting problems. There were good times, but the bad times were really outnumbering them now.
Now we were sinking, heavily in debt, and fighting all the time. It seemed she just refused to work, spent many hours on the internet per day (she had now found her own escape), and didn't really try. The few jobs she found she quit or was fired from immediately. We were in big trouble since I was laid off from my construction management job when the housing bubble burst. I found something decent, but only made about half as much as before, and we had to try for a loan mod or lose the home, and eventually filed for bankruptcy. The American Dream realized...ugghhh She eventually attacked me again (it was bad this time - bloody), and was arrested and charged with DV assault, and I spent about ten thousand defending her, though she still has a record for it now, which didn't help in getting a job.
My oldest was now 12, and rebelling, and mom was at his throat, in his face, and out of control with him. Later I found out that she had brutally hurt him a few times, and paid him off for his silence. Along with constantly fighting over our sinking finances and the looming loss of our dream home, we developed a hateful attitude between us.
For the first time, I no longer even tried to be nice, or put up with any of her crap, and she didn't either. We fought whenever we were together, constantly, and we both said how much we wanted the marriage over. We talked about divorcing all the time, though in my heart I didn't want it, and just didn't know how to avoid it. She had laughed at counseling many times, and refused to do it. We couldn't even be in a car together anymore, and things were totally hateful. She had just found a decent job finally, and mine was looking up. The bankruptcy was underway, and we would soon be debt free again (mostly), and the modification was looking good on the home. Maybe things could improve now? Still, the fighting had reached a fevered pitch, and just couldn't seem to be stopped. I prayed for it to end, for a divorce, an end to the nightmare. She swore she was leaving the first chance she got. She threatened to find another man who wanted her, and I said " go ahead, let him take you off my hands!" The stage was set.
Then it happened. On December 2nd of last year, she spent the night with a man she had met at work (a guy she was counseling as a job counselor - new job). I confronted her the next morning with the phone logs, with her infidelity, and such. I was highly upset, then took the kids to school and she went back to work, and that night back to "him". The next day she showed up with the cops to get her things, and was gone. She threatened an order on me so I would stay away, so I filed one on her, and now we both had orders. She snatched my six year old daughter up the same day, and took her away to the unknown boyfriends house. When she appeared for more stuff she was served her order, and the cops gave me my daughter back the next day.
The wife was now gone, but I had three kids to take care of and was simply devastated. I should have been happy that an end was near right? Far from it. The days that would follow were the darkest days of my life. I had never known just what I would be in for, but man did I ever find out how much a divorce REALLY hurts.....
